I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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