the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
