The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
