Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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