My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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