her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
