If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
