I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
