Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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