Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She told me I should be a condom model.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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