I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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