my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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