Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
