I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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