I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
