During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
