is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
