I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
