Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
