New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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