Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
