You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
