Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
