I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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