and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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