I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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