Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
