I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
