He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
