kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
