I'm drive I can fine osifer
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
