Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
