You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
