guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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