i was born a porn star she said
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
