She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
