Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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