you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
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I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
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I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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