Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
