Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
