textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
