AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
