Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
