we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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