he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
