I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
