you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
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he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
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I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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