A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
