Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
