i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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