You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
