We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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