Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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