my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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