so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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