you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
