ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
