I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
