Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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