Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
