You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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